dillen_dagen

Winter has come, and on backwards reflection, I see that I've curled up into my usual ball of isolation, at least here on LJ. Most of my posts have been private, even the ones that really didn't need to be. I just haven't felt like exposure. I've been spending all my earnest this-is-me spoons on allowing myself to be seen as I get to know new people in my life.

But... things aren't actually bad this year. In a lot of ways, they are exactly what I've been needing.

Lots of changes. Lots of opening up, unfurling, risking hope again. It's terrifying and wonderful and sweet rolled into one. Things are finally coming together, my cynicism is being gently washed away, and even in the midst of this season usually full of pain and depression and apathy, my eyes still are holding on to the ability to sparkle.

I'm even risking leaning into this surprising excess of energy and emotional circuitry.

Last year, I would have just shuddered and cuddled them close just in case; what if I needed them to function enough to get paid and thus keep a roof over my head? I wouldn't have been able to let so many people See me without freezing up, waiting for them to let me know that I wasn't what they wanted around, that I was too blunt, too annoying, too stuck up, too unappealing. It's frustrating as fuck just how long childhood baggage sticks around emotionally.

This year, I'm still feeling low, but I'm able to feel surprise, and happiness, and anger, and really mostly the full spectrum. I'm still having the odd day of complete emotional apathy and disconnect; the muted panic when I wake up and cannot access anything but apathy and sadness still shocks, but the feelings come back. Last year, they dove into a rabbit hole and didn't come out for months, until I forgot what it was like to feel and normalized things. This year, I've drawn more boundaries about what I will and will not take on, and when I need to just table flip and go kayak or cuddle; that seems to have helped a lot.

I'm finally going to get my own nest. I'm connecting with people again. Adventure is in my future. I care about new people in my life very much, and more importantly, I'm learning again how to let them show they care back without making it about me. I'm learning things again, and stockpiling memories. I have a secret world of my own that I can share when I want to; solo kayaking has really calmed and centred me a lot this year. Dancing has become a big part of my life again too; that hasn't been the case since back in 2012 when Ceroc was all the rage.

What's your winter been like? I want to hear from your worlds. I'm listening.

Feeling a bit better today.

It was good to get out and visit with the old group at the park on Sunday. Bocce, Lego, BBQ; a good combination. I think that may be all the social I want for the rest of the week though; dog park time meets most of my needs these days.

Preorders that I`m waiting for with baited breath:

1. Oracle, by Michelle West (2015 Jan)


2. Cast in Honour, by Michelle Sagara (2015 March)


3. Prudence, by Gail Carriger.. (2015 March)


4. Sharon Lee`s next three books in the Liaden series, not yet titled  (2016)


5. Seanan McGuire`s next Velveteen short story anthology

It`s always good to have things to look forward to, especially stories.

( Read more...Collapse )90 books in 120 days. Not Bad.

Thought it might be amusing to track the books I read for a year. So, starting May 1, 2014:

1. Oath of Fealty, by Elizabeth Moon


2. Kings of the North, by Elizabeth Moon


3. Echoes of Betrayal, by Elizabeth Moon


4. Feed, by Mira Grant


5. Deadline, by Mira Grant


6. Blackout, by Mira Grant


7. Strange Brew: Seeing Eye, short story by Patricia Briggs


8. Forbidden: Short story by Patricia Briggs


9. Amityville Horror: stort story by Patricia Briggs


10. SICK, by Tom Leven (teen zombie novel)


11. Stencyl: game development: A beginner's guide.


12. Chalice, by Robin Mckinley


13. Sheepfarmer's Daughter, by Elizabeth Moon


14. Divided Allegiance, by Elizaabeth Moon


15. Oath of Gold, by Elizabeth Moon


16. Oath of Fealty, by Elizabeth Moon (rereading to prep for new book out this month)


17. Kings of the North, by Elizabeth Moon (rereading to prep for new book out this month... 6 more days!)

note: I'm not counting comics thinner than 100 pages, since that would mess up the count way too much.